When you are responsible for relaying a message between two parties, do you always tell the message as told to you? If not, how much do you change it, and why do you change it?
Don’t Be Cruel
Obviously, when it comes to altering messages, we can all agree that you don’t need to be cruel and say hurtful things. So let’s just set aside that exception and focus on less obvious cases.
For Whose Convenience?
Let’s consider the cases where someone is altering a message for a reason they deem more important than simply being direct. Often, this is justified as being for the benefit of one of the parties involved. The “oh, they would have phrased it differently, but I can be more diplomatic” alteration. But, here’s the catch – altering that message is a form of lying. And, just like lying, there can be consequences. So, was the message really changed for that person’s “benefit,” or was a different dynamic in play?
White Lies or Dangerous Miscommunication?
Yes, I have an actual situation that serves as a reminder that “being diplomatic” can be a very bad thing to do. As I was sitting with my sister in her hospital room, we asked the nurse for an update on the doctor – he had promised to come that Monday but had not appeared by late afternoon. After contacting him, she returned to tell us: “oh, he agrees with your other doctors so he doesn’t need to come.” Well, because the other doctors had most definitely not agreed on the next steps, we were very upset. We asked her to contact him again and relay our shock, disappointment, and confusion at receiving that message. Some time later, she returned to tell us he would fit us in the next day.
So, what was the true message he had told her: “he was sorry he was too busy but would come the next morning.” That message made sense. That message did not leave us wondering how our oncologist could have possibly thought anything was decided without his input or ours. That message would not have led to the confrontation we had the next day, during which we all found out what the actual messages were.
Of course, I would like to give this nurse the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to a failed attempt to tell us a message she thought we were rather hear, as opposed to the message she was asked to relay. Even so, I wonder how much was self-interested motivation, attempting to tell us a message that would placate us, in her opinion, and keep us from asking further questions. Perhaps she was just being “diplomatic” – but unfortunately, this lie was hurtful and nearly ruined an important relationship.